I waited for you…

I waited for you.

And I told myself that that was the last time I would waste any more moments of my life waiting on you to show up and show me you give a crap about me.

But here I am again.  Waiting.  It’s been almost an hour and I haven’t heard anything from you.  I’ve been replaying last night. How you subtly brushed into me and slipped these keys into my hand and told me that you needed to see me. “I miss you, please.” You texted after you walked away. In that moment my mind ran from excitement to worry, from confusion to comfort…  And now I’m here again, confused, frustrated… hoping…waiting. I can’t convince myself to leave and stop waiting for you. Why can’t I leave you? Why can’t I leave you hanging on the thought that I didn’t show? God, that would be such karmic justice.

These damn keys. I spin them around on my finger until they fly off and fall to the floor board on the passenger side. Ugh!

I get out, go around the car and scoop up the keys. The sky is pitch black making the stars seem brighter than normal and the moon is so engorged I can feel it’s energy. Between the moon and the smell of sea salt in the air… damn you. I get back in the car and slam the door shut, I crack the windows to let the the salt air in and I sit back and I wait.    Lights flash into the parking lot, my heart skips a beat and my breath catches in my throat for split second. You’re here?.. It’s not you, the sedan parks and a couple gets out and carry’s their sleeping child into the hotel lobby.

And just like that, I feel broken. Like you have physically sliced into my heart and I just sit here bleeding. I let you do this, I gave you the power to make me feel small and insignificant.

But dammit! I do miss you. I feel so drawn to you, that I can’t sleep unless I pass out thinking of you beside me.

I’m getting anxious and it’s driving me to sickness, I can’t wait here like this. I turn on my headlights and pull out of the parking lot like I just murdered someone in one of the rooms.

Slow down Emma, you don’t need to bring attention to yourself.

What if you’re parking right now? What if you just passed me and your parking right now? NOPE! I’m not going to think about that, I’m going to keep driving. You’ve still not so much as texted me.

I park outside of a closed shop, I’m better off walking for a bit instead of driving like a mad women down the road. The last thing I need in my life right now is a speeding ticket or a night in jail. Besides that, the sound of the waves, the smell the of sea air and this beautiful sky is screaming for me to enjoy it. It’s calling me to get lost.

And that’s what I need right now… to be lost from you.

 

~A.G

 

 

The weekly back and forth…

So here we are again, wrestling the endless game of are we on again or off for good…

Why do we as humans put ourselves in these situations?

And why are we so prone to repeat our own histories?

I can’t focus on my work or pay any attention to this stupid meeting going on right now, because all I can think about is your face. Your damn face and its endless supply of expressions that are so damn hard to read! Why are you so hard to read? I never struggle with people, I can see everything they hide between the lines.

But you.

You are a different story.

I can’t read you. And I hate it.

~A.G

She broke me…

Yes, I want to be with her.

I don’t know what happened or why we were brought together like this, but I can’t let her go. I can’t let this go.

She is like a witch, the devil. Why am I so happy with her?  I can’t hid it, it’s written all over my face whenever she is near me. I worry about her when she is gone, when she looks sad my heart breaks for her and I want to know everything that is troubling her.

It’s so hard for me to explain this feeling I have for her. It’s like she has cast a spell on me and planted herself in my thoughts. She is my shadow, a ghost that follows me wherever I go. Last night my dreams were so vivid I swear she was with me, curled up in my arms and sleeping soundly on my chest. I can still smell her perfume on my pillow… and she hasn’t been here before.

I feel like I am going crazy, or at least, partially crazy.

Fuck! I can’t explain this.  Am I going mad??

 

~AG

 

 

 

Eternal Youth

Don’t we all feel like living forever young at some point in our life?

Well guess what I’m doing? I’m sitting her in the 1950’s pretending I’ve bleached my hair so much that my brain cells have been damaged to the point that I have no answers for any questions that may come my way.

I’m physically having to sit on my hands and tell people “I’m sorry, I don’t know. You’ll have to ask someone else” simply because I’m being to bossy for those who’s egos are to frail to work as a team.

I am dumbstruck to the point of laughter lol

I’ve already been asked what’s wrong and have a handful of people thinking I’m now mad at them because I keep sending them elsewhere with their questions. 

“You don’t know? You never not know, and even when you really don’t know , you get me the answers faster than anyone else. so what did I do to piss you off into silence” 

Yes, normally I do.    I’m a busy bee, workaholic, I know how to ask questions and feel timeliness is important. If I don’t know the answer to something, I figure out who does or who would know and hit them for the info. Simple as that.

But that is over kill apparently.  And it is proving an extreme struggle to break everyone (including myself) of the habits we have become so use to. 

I can’t even ask someone to make sure they don’t forget something without being looked at like insolent women who’s speaking out of turn. LOL

And that’s my new thing now, I want a coffee mug that says “Insolent Women” just so I can display it on my desk 😉

 I am very opinionated, blunt and to the point in 90% of my life. We all know it’s 2019 and most people these days are to sensitive for straight forward talk, but you’d think there would still be a handful of people who could carry on adult conversation and not feel so threatened by straightforwardness.

So here I am, pretending I don’t care about a thing.  Pretending I am a shy, quiet female with no spine or knowledge of my surroundings. 

We’ll see how long this last.

 

\AG/