Always confused…

I needed this.

I needed to sit here and feel the sand beneath my feet, taste the salt in the air and let the breeze clear you from my thoughts.

My phone buzzed right before it died, you texted that you were on your way and apologized for being late. The screen went black before I could read the rest of it… I do miss you. I want to see you… but damn I’m so confused right now.

A couple is walking their dog along the waters edge. She’s splashing in the tide as is comes in and goes out, she’s just a pup and a cute one at that.

I wish my phone was charged. I feel the pull to text you back and tell you where I am, or to go back to the hotel and wait just a little longer for you. But no.

I’m not leaving this spot. Even if I just sit here and cry… I’m staying here…

The couple has walked so far down the beach I can’t see them anymore, but I can still hear the pup barking and playing in the distance.

I wonder what time it is? I have to have been here for at least a half hour or better.

My phone is still dead. Not sure why I even look at it, I know I haven’t charged it. I haven’t left this spot but to scoot back a little bit further from the tide.

I wish you’d just show up and hug me right now. Like you know me well enough to know that I would be here…

It’s so quiet right now.

Emma?

My heart just sunk and I think I’m going to be sick.

What are you doing out here?

Mike?!

I turned to look over my shoulder, and there he stood. His hands in the pocket of his hoodie and his shoulders slightly shrugged like he was feeling a little chilled, or nervous.

How? How did you know I was here?

I’m tossed between feeling scared and yet madly in love with the fact that you showed up and found me here.

He sat down beside me and pulled me close to him in one of those tight “I’ve got you” hugs that always make me melt to pieces with the feeling of safety and comfort.

I took a wrong turn and I saw your car while I was getting turned around. How come you’re not answering your phone? I tried to call you.

It died. And I forgot my charger. I inhaled his cologne as I squeezed his chest closer to me. Fuck.

He kissed my forehead.

So… what are you doing out here?

I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know.

I moved back a bit to the spot I had been sitting in. As much as I want to stay curled up in his arms… I don’t think I can handle it right now.

Hey. I know. I know it’s not easy with us.

But damn Emma, I don’t want to be apart from you. I am happy with you. Do we need more than that?

Do we?

If only I could tell you why this is so hard for me. I want to tell you so much… but right now I just can’t.

But I can’t tell you that right now either… so I don’t.

~A.G~

I waited for you…

I waited for you.

And I told myself that that was the last time I would waste any more moments of my life waiting on you to show up and show me you give a crap about me.

But here I am again.  Waiting.  It’s been almost an hour and I haven’t heard anything from you.  I’ve been replaying last night. How you subtly brushed into me and slipped these keys into my hand and told me that you needed to see me. “I miss you, please.” You texted after you walked away. In that moment my mind ran from excitement to worry, from confusion to comfort…  And now I’m here again, confused, frustrated… hoping…waiting. I can’t convince myself to leave and stop waiting for you. Why can’t I leave you? Why can’t I leave you hanging on the thought that I didn’t show? God, that would be such karmic justice.

These damn keys. I spin them around on my finger until they fly off and fall to the floor board on the passenger side. Ugh!

I get out, go around the car and scoop up the keys. The sky is pitch black making the stars seem brighter than normal and the moon is so engorged I can feel it’s energy. Between the moon and the smell of sea salt in the air… damn you. I get back in the car and slam the door shut, I crack the windows to let the the salt air in and I sit back and I wait.    Lights flash into the parking lot, my heart skips a beat and my breath catches in my throat for split second. You’re here?.. It’s not you, the sedan parks and a couple gets out and carry’s their sleeping child into the hotel lobby.

And just like that, I feel broken. Like you have physically sliced into my heart and I just sit here bleeding. I let you do this, I gave you the power to make me feel small and insignificant.

But dammit! I do miss you. I feel so drawn to you, that I can’t sleep unless I pass out thinking of you beside me.

I’m getting anxious and it’s driving me to sickness, I can’t wait here like this. I turn on my headlights and pull out of the parking lot like I just murdered someone in one of the rooms.

Slow down Emma, you don’t need to bring attention to yourself.

What if you’re parking right now? What if you just passed me and your parking right now? NOPE! I’m not going to think about that, I’m going to keep driving. You’ve still not so much as texted me.

I park outside of a closed shop, I’m better off walking for a bit instead of driving like a mad women down the road. The last thing I need in my life right now is a speeding ticket or a night in jail. Besides that, the sound of the waves, the smell the of sea air and this beautiful sky is screaming for me to enjoy it. It’s calling me to get lost.

And that’s what I need right now… to be lost from you.

 

~A.G

 

 

She broke me…

Yes, I want to be with her.

I don’t know what happened or why we were brought together like this, but I can’t let her go. I can’t let this go.

She is like a witch, the devil. Why am I so happy with her?  I can’t hid it, it’s written all over my face whenever she is near me. I worry about her when she is gone, when she looks sad my heart breaks for her and I want to know everything that is troubling her.

It’s so hard for me to explain this feeling I have for her. It’s like she has cast a spell on me and planted herself in my thoughts. She is my shadow, a ghost that follows me wherever I go. Last night my dreams were so vivid I swear she was with me, curled up in my arms and sleeping soundly on my chest. I can still smell her perfume on my pillow… and she hasn’t been here before.

I feel like I am going crazy, or at least, partially crazy.

Fuck! I can’t explain this.  Am I going mad??

 

~AG

 

 

 

Help Wanted!

Hi guys,

So I wanted to take a moment and simply ask my followers for some help.  

After all my intial excitement the other day, over the lovely review someone left me. I’ve come to terms with how little reach my book has had since February. To be brutally honest , it bugs me some. 

I feel I’ve been slacking on my promoting and I also feel a bit let down by ealier promises of reading and reviewing. 

But , I’m moving on. Some books, well most books start off slow and progress as time goes on. So I’m doing my best to help it progress some. 

In the next few months my debut novel Blakefields Mansion will be released in paperback! And with that comes a whole new ball game for me. 

So I’m asking for some help.

Yup, that’s right. Book Reviewers Wanted!

For a Victorian era romance , book one of a two part series. Co-written by Myself and Clive West

I’d really love to have 5 genuine reviews on Amazon and or Goodreads before Christmas. 

I have available, 4 PDF or EPub  versions of my book and would love some honest thoughts. If you’re at all interested, or know someone who may be, you can comment below or email me at authorjennifer92@gmail.com 

Add ” Blakefields reviewer” in the subject line. 

If a kindle version would be prefered, just let me know in the email.

Thanks in advance  

P.S Any writers out there looking for the same, feel free to email me as well asking for a review. I’m really enjoying the few books I’ve reviewed for people and I know how important a review can be. 😊

#ReadOn

Jen